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USA - FLORIDA - MIAMI: MORE TO MIAMI THAN VICE by Stuart Graham   I feel like Don Johnson in pursuit of a murderous drug dealer.The boat is cruising down Biscayne Bay at full speed with the theme music of the 1980s television show Miami Vice playing full blast. My sunglasses are glued to my eyes and the wind is hitting my face as we pass by mansion after mansion. But this is not quite Miami Vice. The boat, although at full speed, is going at only six miles an hour and none of us are undercover police officers. We're tourists with Panama hats and cameras dangling around our necks. We've spent the past half hour chugging through Miami, chuckling as our guide teases the passersby and points out the city's famous sights. If you don't have too much time in Miami, I can recommend a Duck Boat tour as one of the most fun ways of seeing the city. You start out at Lincoln Drive, which is an outdoor palm tree-lined walkers only shopping lane. Before the tour started I sat out in one of the coffee shops and watched the shoppers stroll by. Many of them were beautiful dark haired Spanish speaking women in ski pants, high heels and gold bangles on their wrists. Miami is a Spanish speakers' town. It's the one place in the United States where I heard very little English on the streets. Every Spanish country is represented, from Honduras, to Cuba and Argentina. When the time came, I made my way to the Duck Boat. It's like a four-wheel drive bus that turns into a boat at the press of a button. Our tour guide was a broad-shouldered, motor mouthed local actor, born in Panama. His instruction was to give a loud quack at the first passerby we saw. The innocent soul happened to be a long haired boy with a goatee beard and ipod speakers stuck in his ears. "One, two, three," he said. "Quack, quack," we shouted with roaring laughter. The long haired youth man shook his head and smiled. "Quack, quack," to you too he said back at us. The next 90 minutes went on in that silly, comical fashion. Once in a while the captain would hit a button and a song like YMCA would play. If we happened to come across a police car, the captain would provide the chorus of the song "Bad cop, bad cop. What you gonna do when they come for you." It was impossible not to have a good time. We drove through the city centre first, past interesting buildings such as the boxing gym where the heavyweight champions Mohammed Ali and George Foreman once trained and the nightclub where the socialite Paris Hilton once partied. The boat turned onto Ocean View Drive on South Beach. The comic Lenny Bruce once described the road as "the place where neon goes to die". At night the art deco buildings on Ocean View Drive are lit up by neon signs. Day and night the road is jam packed with cars, many of them Ferraris and Lamborghinis. People sit outside the restaurants drinking mojitos and strawberry daiquiris and eating lobsters and prawns. It's likely you'll see men in gold chains standing around their cars chewing gum while a bored looking lady sits in the front seat, texting on her cellphone or painting her nails. "If you spot a speedo, let me know," the guide said with an evil grin. I didn't want to imagine the humiliation he would inflict on the poor speedo wearer. Fortunately I never spotted one. At Biscayne Bay the captain pressed a few swtiches, pulled some levers and the four wheeler became a boat. We hit the water with a thud and started our tour of bay. The mansions in Biscayne Bay are opulent palaces. I've never seen anything like it. They have wide lawns, palm trees, swimming pools and massive balconies. They are owned by stars such as the singers Julio Iglesias and Gloria Estafan, the talkshow host Oprah Whinfrey and the tennis player Stefi Graf. The boat passed one island called Star Island, where your level of fame is the criteria for buying a property. "That place over there is mine," the guide said, pointing to an mustard coloured palace. "Just kidding. That is the seventh most valuable property in the world. But I'll own it some day." When the Miami Vice soundtrack finishes off, the Duck Boat becomes a four wheel drive mode and we head back to Lincoln Drive. The tour has changed my perception of Miami. For me it's a place where the people are friendly and laid back, where the weather is warm enough to wear speedos and where the buildings are bright and beautiful. Life is good in Miami. Finally I can stop thinking of it as the place where Don Johnson chases murderous drug dealers. Photo courtesy Visit Florida
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